Today I sat and smoked my pride away
There’s nothing left but the cinders of it inside
I need an escape
And here it is
I can move away. Go To a place where I don’t know anyone.
I’ll heave my breath to burning wax
A part of me wants to be where there are familiar faces
And girls
And I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go to the school with familiar friends. I’m definetly not going to my school unfortunately. If not this catholic school. Then this public school. Where I know not a soul.
Nomatter what I’ll be smoking my life away

Life right now

Realizing how much my life sucks. I’ve been sick since Monday. Didn’t leave my house except for Wednesday and Thursday. I haven’t left my house all day today. Dammit I’m sad. I’m also out of money. I don’t work until this Thursday (fucking finally) so ill have some cash to spend. So because of lack of funds. The only thing I could have boughten to quench my boredom was one single weed brownie. Which was a sweet high. I’m in a fucked state mentally right now. Kinda wanna go to New York and marry a ginger. Sorta like Peter Parker except ill have more than one Mary Jane (if you get the weed reference). So belated I am. I should’ve quit all this youth group shit a while ago. I feel free yet I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I spent my time with youth group shit. Now I have nothing to do but smoke weed and watch indie films.

I’m gonna start to make new friends. Because I need new everything. I have a thing for gingers. I don’t that’s a coincidence. I need to fall in love with a ginger. I love freckles and red hair because I’m stupid.

I feel really sad. But That a today feeling. I’ve had no human contact with anyone today. I miss her a lot. But oh well. I knew in my heart she wasn’t right for me. An she’s not even a ginger.

The plant.

Ahh. Spring. What a beautiful time of the year. Where flowers blossom and plants are beautiful. Especially my favorite kind of plant. This plant is amazing. Gods gift to the world. It calms you down. Helps food go down when you’re sick. There are different grades of it. Personally I only use Grade A material because Its the best to get you high. (Favorite is a tie between blue dream and afgoo).

Weed. There are two kinds of people in the world. Stoners and haters. Where people bitch and complain how it’s illegal for a reason and it’s a gateway drug and that it ruins life. But the truth is. Weed doesn’t do that. Here are the facts. Weed was made illegal for bullshit reasons in 1909 (around then). It’s a proven fact that smoking weed does not lead into drugs and that weed does not ruin someone’s life. That person ruins their own life
Weed is great for all sorts of activities. Outdoor. Indoor. Even just listening to music. Weed does not affect motor skills. And is proven to have medicinal benefits. Countries that have legalized weed have a crime rate so small compared to the US that one has to think. What if it would be legal? And taxed? More money for the Government. And it would be cheaper to buy.

My birthday is national weed day (4/20 bitches) and I plan on smoking ingredients. I’m currently writing this from a tranquil mood. People. Stop complaining. Stop worrying. People are smoking cigarettes which are deadly unlike weed that can’t kill you. Cigarettes have a ton of chemicals in then especially nicotine to make you addicted. Weed does not and you can not be addicted to weed. Weed is a plant just like tobacco. Weed is good. Be thankful for weed.

Selfish needs.

such…..an inconvenience. How two perplexed beings meet in with an internal apparel describing a dismal mood. The former is a deranged form of a barley mentally stable…..artist to say the least. Whose bipolar actions formed by the Jadedness and apathy from a heart in critical need. a heart so sweetly broken. Seems contradictory, correct? well the latter, a beautiful creation of God, one who by simply breathing creates a sensation within the emotional hormones of the former. the latter seems to be glorified and not as previously stated, a perplexed being with an internal apparel describing a dismal mood. Though I glorify thy person, that person displays a hubris so logically unstable that a writer could not imagine words to record the events occurring in the mind of such a person. To the best of my elementary abilities, I’ll explain How.

The latter is….occupied, though not so much as displayed. Several objective tasks in the productivity that will never matter. How the former longs to have all the attention of the latter. Yet the latter does give attention, and gives an outpouring love that’s filial. The former is very content with this, yet in selfishness wants more. The latter creates troubles that could be easily avoided, the latter does not precaution the archaic moods that aspire from the actions created, but the latter never allows any human with the stain of sin to know. Except the former.

The former, the mental state slowly deteriorating and the wrenched stench of the rotting mind spewing out into the minds of others as they walk with a disgusts so detestable that it almost shows in a vomit held in due to common courtesy. Think of this though, the latter is why the former is able to keep a societal standard of a  stable mentality. The former gives of himself completely to the latter, a love so bold and great that in giving of itself it bring a half broken smile to the face. 

The former is in love with the latter, but the former relies on the latter too much to allow the love to intervene. such a pity, yet pathetic. Simply pathetic how this….disgusting filth could love such an elegant being. To contradict the contradicting from previous statements, the fact the latter has flaws allows the latter to be perfect. The former does everything to be certain the latter never finds out, the former loves from a distance and the latter always brings Joy to the former. the former either selfishly wants the latter or simply needs the latter, it is unknown. If the former could, he would tell her how perfect she is, and how marvelous she is in her existence alone, and how every the roses in the garden are envious of her beauty. The way she smiles and laughs brings him Joy. Oh what he would do just to hold her in his arms, to kiss her gently under the stars, to proclaim his love and for it to be returned. It depresses him greatly, how he knows it will never happen. Therefore he must wait. and wait. and wait. until the opportunity comes, but he knows in his heart, the day will cease to exist.

 

 

 

I am the former.

Nostalgic

I’ve sort of attempted to recompense with myself about recent events in my life. I’ve tried several things to fill a gap that has been cut slowly and painfully. I’ve kept myself from bleeding out from it. I’ve done some very fatuous thing. I’ve smoked weed, I’ve acted like a jerk, I’ve tried relationships, with an apathetic attitude probably due to jadedness. it’s not until recently that I’ve been conscience of what actually does destroy the Physiological demons that have tried to posses my state of sanity. 

Love. Both receiving and giving love. I give my love to every human being I care about, I don’t mean a love that a man and a women share that springs life, i mean a more Filial love. My best friends, the ones that fail to let me down, the ones that i can hold accountable, the ones i know won’t tempt me to do bad things, and will only push me closer to holiness. I feel like I belong there, i feel as if that’s where God wants me to be, and follow this path. I lack any sort of Paternal and Maternal influence now in my life. 

Except for my Fraternal brethren and filial Sisters. in Christ, and Mother Mary most Holy has adopted me and filled a void that was deteriorating my sanity. The Love of God has brought me an abundance of Joy and I’m in a complete ecstatic state when I’m in his presence. My happiness though, is ruined when i’m nigh the disgusting, disgraceful antagonists at my school. I am not verbalizing that all people outside of my little catholic community is terrible, in fact I befriended people outside of that group that do in fact make it possible for me to be a good catholic and that bring me joy being around. I’ve noticed that it’s females that do that though, It’s only the objective men that think with their lower region that I utmost despise. So i’m going to be home schooled next year, and i will be taking a few classes at a community college my junior and senior years of high school, which is beneficial because it’s all free.

I get really off topic in my blogs don’t I?

ya i do. 

Perplexed Content of Context carrying vague rants of angst.

Throughout the history of man, great artist have composed works of literature or created something marvelous on a muse. Not by making it sound or look all nice and pretty, but by Incorporating a contextual truth about the time and place of which they were present. For example, John Milton wrote the great epic poem “Paradise Lost” which on a surface level point of view, was about Satan and his rebellion against God. In a deeper context, this actually was to parallel the time in Great Britain and all the events occurring. When This poem was written and gone out to the public, it changed Britain culture and impacted later events. 

Now I don’t know about you, but if I were to write a poem about how shitty our culture is, the amount of fucks given would amount to little to none (Pardon the french). Now calling Paradise Lost just a poem would be a complete understatement, but it is true that if something as brilliant as Paradise Lost were to be written in our time, it would not make it’s presence known, and for several reasons.

First of all, Kids in this generation are frankly spoiled idiots. I am not saying all of them are, just a lot of the ones that can read and write well, (if you haven’t caught out they’re idiots because of the choices they make, not because of education). Most kids are not gonna read a book about how corrupt our culture is, Only adults and the hipsters you find at book stores would, and yet they would not bring much to the cause.

So if something were to be created to parallel how the Culture in america is today, a film of some sort would probably be the best to be made. There are a few problems with this. Most production company’s will immediately turn away the idea of such a task, so it would be an independent film, so it would not have the best quality due to budgeting and acting. so, yet again, nobody would give a shit.

So how do you say do we create something to let america know they’re completely fucked up? we can’t do anything. That’s the answer. so let me bitch at you for a second. Our culture tells us that Sex, great anywhere anytime, women and men are to be treated as objects and to be given no respect. Obama thinks he knows best when honestly he’s a Pro Choice idiot, think about it. If abstinence and waiting till marriage were to be the standards that people followed, abortion would not have to be an issue! if you’re one of those liberals saying “blah blah blah I’m stupid and i think women have the right to chose and Obama is so awesome and I think we should have sex whenever we want”. then you’re really stupid and I’m writing about you. If you watch TV, you can spot all the Sex involved in it because “Sex Sells”. I find it disgusting that Humans can base their decisions on whatever their lower region is pointing to. Now lets focus on Drugs, Meth is bad. Coke is bad. Pills are Bad. Weed……. undecided if it’s bad or not (It’s okay to smoke for medical conditions or if you’re wanting to have a high, but i only allow weed). Cigarettes are gross. Cigars are for manly Men. (weed and cigars, only exception).

Let’s focus on the party scene, you may have heard idiots say “YOLO” and drink their asses off and wake up the next morning with a new friend. Key example of why our culture sucks. Drinking is okay to an extent, ya you can have a good time once in a while, but when you do stupid shit and end up doing more bad things, it’s not okay to do. and I don’t think we should forget that if you’re not of age, It’s illegal (Underage drinking, a lot of fucks not given for that either). So now i’m done with my ranting.

If you’ve read this post all the way through, you’re either someone who shares my thoughts, bored and just happened to stumble upon this. or were extremely offending and looking for more things that i wrote so you could comment rude things because you obviously have nothing better to do, and because i just said you have nothing better to do you’re gonna find some excuse like “It’s my job to comment because i believe that blah blah blah” really save it. 

Complaints aspiring from a relativistic point.

Here i am at school, waiting for my ride to pick me up. I don’t get my license for a few more months so I’m stuck waiting here afterschool until then. I really want to go home and sleep or start studying, but yet again i recall how tedious all this is. Recently I’ve had a lot of long weekends where i feel productive despite the fact i look forward to sleep and laziness. this past weekend i went on something i call a “Hipster walk” where I’d walk throughout my neighborhood of clintonville which is filled with hipsters, and I’d go to the stores and the coffee shops. I went to this hipster Thrift shop where there was a huge dollar sale, and almost everything was a dollar. I found some good American Eagle clothing but when i entered i immediately was greeted by hipsters. I really enjoyed being with them for the simple reason that it’s different than what I’m used to. all throughout this street are various stores, ranging from antique stores, to music stores, to thrift stores, to even Skateboarding stores! After that day i realized how productive i was that day, so i began to start doing more productive things in my life, from cleaning my house to going to dinner and a movie with a really close female friend. All this productivity, then stopped by school. During breaks i always seem to realize how active and productive I am without school. Despite the fact this post is just a huge complaint about how school sucks and how I could be so productive without it, i seem to also realize how important school is. If i so desire to have an income and live with financial comfort, I’m going to have to stay in school and graduate from college. Then i will be able to do whatever the heck i want and be hipster (Except I’m not really hipster, i just like some of the clothing and coffee shops). So i guess the main point of this continuous bitching about nothing is stay in school kids. 

Apathetic

So today, a day of sorts. me and my girlfriend broke up after a two week relationship. it really blows my mind how my apathy got to me. it didn’t hurt or anything. Do i really not care that much? I’m a huge pessimist but I’m so optimistic about this (the name of my blog). So I was thinking, why don’t i care that much? why is this not hurting or anything? do i have feelings? I realized, my life is going downhill right now, and i figured out why. So let me start from the beginning. a few months ago i started being a “Jock” again, but i was only one in the hallways and at sporting events, then the beginning of the 2nd semester i started sitting with this table that all the jocks sit at. I used to be one of them in all of grade school and entering high school, then i stopped talking to them. But now i am talking to them, and they demoralize women and make crude remarks and their level of maturity is beyond the all time low. But i love them, and I’ve starting hanging out with them outside of school now. Earlier in the first semester i dipped with them, and now i’m smoking weed with them and doing a ton of things with them. but i’m completely okay and don’t want to stop. yet at the same time i want someone to pull me out of it and make sure i can be happy without this. so , High off my ass, i asked a friend to do that for me. So unfairly, i made her responsible for keeping me out of all this, i’m adding a ton of pressure on her now to make sure I go back to my holy catholic self, which i’m slithering away from. I’m jaded most of the time so she’ll have to find a way to rid myself of that feeling. so as my life deteriorates i will be making bad choice with the same high school jocks that i used to hang out with all the time. i will go back to my community of partying and stupid drunk girls and a shit ton of weed, only because I don’t care anymore and I’m not trying. My life naturally resorts to all that if i’m not trying to be with my band geek youth group friends. and it doesn’t help that my birthday is 4/20 

What is love?

Love, it’s something we all are in search of. For some it is found in relationships. Others confuse it with lust. Some people say they don’t believe in love. but the people that question or confuse love, are people that don’t know what love is. They may have experienced it, but not been able to understand that it was love. I myself always thought about what Love is, and even wanted it to a point where it would be all that i could think about, but what i thought about what love is was wrong,  and i didn’t truly understand it until a series of events in my life that have lead me to discover what Love is.

It helps us to understand something if we see it in action. Such as it helps us understand how fast a car can go when we see it driving. The best way we can understand love, is by looking at our Heavenly Father. God sent his only son to our world, to die for our sins. To die for our filthy, disgusting ways. “There’s no greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends” (John 15:13). This is love. The love of God is true love, we fail him over and over again but he still loves us. I could go on forever about the Love of God but i couldn’t possible be able to describe all the ways he loves us. There’s not enough stars in the sky to count the ways God loves us. We need to love God above all things, and we need to open our hearts and allow ourselves to be loved by him so we can love others.

There is nothing like the love of a mother. A mother feeds, protects, and sacrifices for her child. She endures pain for her child, she would gladly give up her life for her child. Mother Mary loved Jesus so much, her love for Christ is an intense infinite fire, and she is not only the mother of God, but she is our mother too. She loves us and gives us her Pure unblemished heart as we give her our dirty sinful heart. When our biological mother is not able to provide what we need. Mary will fill in. This is love. 

Something most people do not understand, is the love that is found between a man and a woman. Some confuse it with lust. Lust is not a version of Love, Lust is the complete opposite of Love, it does nothing but destroy. Lust is selfish, in relationship we need to be selfless.

I met a girl, who I am in a deep state of love with, it’s not a returned feeling, but that’s okay. as a man it is my Job to give of myself completely to her, to unselfishly give everything, and never selfishly take. I need to be the man she needs me to be. the whole “friendzone” thing is stupid, because thats saying that your relationship with someone isn’t good enough. I’ve had my fill of being told I’m not good enough, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. As men we need to be okay with just being friends, and to have a friendship. Then from there we will cultivate and build onto that friendship and if it’s the will of God, to make that friendship into something more. I’m happy with this girl. She doesn’t love me the way I love her, but i continue to love her and to give of myself, instead of complaining about unreturned love, i rejoice in the relationship we have, and it makes me happy, I know i would be beyond happy if me and her were to be more, but I’m patient, I’ll wait. I will be the man that she needs me to be. this is love.